Currently reading: Nothing
Currently listening: All 4 One - I Swear
Currently eating: Nothing

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You Make Me Want To Fall In Love
F.I.R.

Wo yuan yong wo you xian de yong yuan/ Jiao huan ceng jing kuai le de lei shui
I am willing to use my limited eternity/To exchange for once happy tears
Chuan yue bu an di dai/Chuan yue suo you wei xian/Lai dao ni shen bian
Passing through the troubled zone/Passing through all danger/Arriving by your side

Wo you shi xiang xin mei li de yu yuan/Que you bu xiang ru ci xin gan qing yuan
Now and then I believe the beautiful prophecy/But then again don’t want to be willing like this
Zhi dao ni de chu xian/Cai liao jie zhe yi qie/Yin wei ni er gai bian
Until your appearance/Only then did I understand all of this/Changed because of you

You make me want to fall in love
Jiu zai zhe yi ke/Oh whoa…/Ye bu guan ming tian hui ru he
At this very moment/Oh whoa…/And no matter what tomorrow will be like
Zhi yao jin sheng you ni zuo you/Pei zhe wo/Bu zai ji mo
As long as in this life you are around/Accompanying me/No longer lonely
You make me want to fall in love
Jiu zai zhe yi ke/Uh huh…/Shun jian ye ke yi shi yong heng
At this very moment/Uh huh…/Momentary can also be eternal
Zhi yao mei ge ji mo shi hou/Ai de hui yi liu zai wo xin zhong
As long as each lonesome moment/Love’s recollections remains within my heart

Jiu suan sui yue dai ni zou/Jiu suan ji li yan mo wo
Even if the years of life take you away/Even if distance submerges me
Hai shi yi zhi shou hou zhe/Wo hui yong yuan wei le ni cun zai
Still continuously staying to wait/I will forever exist because of you

Zhi yao mei ge ji mo shi hou/Ai de hui yi liu zai wo xin zhong
As long as each lonesome moment/Love’s recollections remains within my heart


So I'm updating ALREADY. Rare.

I just realized that today is Black Day. You know...Valentine's Day, White Day, and then Black Day. Anyway...that's not really important I guess...well, no need to read on...I just needed to get things out to make myself feel better. It also helps me sort through my confused thoughts...it might not even make sense since I'm probably gonna leave out most of the details.

Anyway, if you don't already know, I'm pretty sheltered. I have the typical protective and "very Chinese" parents. I've always been shy but as I've grown and matured, I've become a little more open. Yes, I'm 18 but I've never had any guys in my life...basically, I had no love life because I'm introverted and forbidden to date. Haha. It really isn't that bad though but I always thought that I was more or less a wallflower.

This year, I have no idea what happened. First off, I really don't know who I am sometimes. I have a tendency to over think but sometimes I look back at the things I do or say and wonder if that's me...I'm not talking about stuff that gets me in trouble. Haha

Even though I feel like I can give good advice from time to time, we all know that when you're in the situation yourself, it's hard to see the "big picture" because you're so wrapped up and that's what I say to friends too. Before, other stuff that I don't wanna talk about had upset me...not that superficial stuff or the teenage issues and I remember wishing that those were my worries instead. I got what I wanted. It's so ironic...people are always wanting something else...the grass is always greener on the other side. Yet, when you finally get it, you realize it's not what you had imagined. Nonetheless, I can honestly say if my previous troubles will go away, even if not permanently, and I must trade it for these problems, I'd be more than willing to.

Really, it's not a big deal...I guess it's just shocking. I just never expected this to be a part of my life but life is full of surprises. What's the point of living if you know exactly what happens? Of course, it's natural to wonder...as humans, we are hungry for knowledge. I know I keep contradicting myself but I have yet to get use to this thing called LIFE.

So anyway, this year has been quite a year. Although it's really nothing, I've actually had boy troubles. Yeah, believe it or not. I don't talk much of them for the most part. Let's just say that too many (for me anyway) guys are confessing to me that they like me. I know they might not even be serious. And it's just apart of my personality. I care too much. I have a tendency to put others before myself. I try to make everyone else happy. As harsh as it was, I know it's the truth when my friend told me that I need to learn to live for myself. I have to stop worrying about hurting people because in life, its inevitable. I realize that....it's just hard because that's who I am. I feel cruel and cold-blooded if I just disregard the feelings of others. That's just ME.

So now you must be wondering what the heck is the problem? Shouldn't you be flattered that guys like you? What's the big deal?

I am flattered. It isnt' a big deal. I just don't know how to handle it because I'm afraid of hurting someone. I know we're 17, 18. Still young...still naive...years from now, this will no longer be important. The guys who like me now would have forgotten about it. It won't matter to them anymore. It's just fustrating. I keep screwing things up. I feel like a jerk...I know my friends are only teasing me when they call me "heartbreaker"..."pimpette"...but it just surprises me that these labels could even be applied to me! Yet, I am fully aware that NO ONE in this world is perfect...you just can't be. You have to learn to live with your flaws and make the best of it...learn to accept your mistakes and gain from it.

So I had decided to go to prom. I think that was a bad idea. I ended up having 2 guys ask me, which really isn't suppose to be a bad thing. I don't know if the first is interested in me but he is a friend and he's really nice but I just didn't feel comfortable going with him...6 hours together. I know I'm a worrywart but I don't want to ruin senior prom for him. I don't care if I don't have such a good time...I don't want MY stupidity to mess up what could've been a perfect night for HIM. I'm not saying I plan to be a "bad date" and avoid him but it just might happen because I'm stupid like that....because I don't know what I'm doing. So I ended up telling him this the next day...not even in person! He had asked me in person and his face had turned beat red. It takes courage and I didn't have the heart to say no to him...I didn't know how...I was confused. I wanted to tell him ASAP because ticket sales started this Monday. He asked me last Thursday. I wanted him to have the chance to find someone else...someone who will want to go with him. He was way too nice about it all...too understanding....but I'm thankful for that but again, I just can't help but to feel even guiltier.

Then, another guy asks me. I met him in 10th grade but I didn't really pay much attention to him. He's super nice though and on the shy side. He asked me yesterday and I didn't what to do. If I wasn't comfortable with my other friend, I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with him because I barely know him at all. I don't even know his last name. Some of my friends were happy for me and found it so cute and thought I should go with him. Then I thought it can't be that bad...he's nice. He still is nice but again, I should follow MY heart...do what I want..not what others want. Anyway, this entire year, I've only said "hi" and "hey" to him in the hallway...not even everyday. Since tickets are already on sale, I thought that maybe he was just desperate and needed a date. My friend said the other reason could be that he was "madly in love with me since 10th grade". Unfortunately, the other reason may be the one. The first explanation would've been so much simplier. But earlier in the year, a guy told me he was in love with me...not like...but love and I was fine (well, I honestly doubt it's love..more like infatuation). This is different because I called him and told him that I don't think I'm comfortable going with a date and instead, I invited him to join my group of friends, all single girls. He said it would be fine. However, today, he texts me and tells me he really likes me and I really don't want to disappoint him but I don't wanna lead him on. I don't want things to change just because he's confessed. I know that took a lot of guts. But things have already changed. It's too late. I wanna have fun at the prom...I want him to have fun too...but I don't wanna give him false hope. I wanna be friends but I don't wanna him to think I'm interested in him romantically. I don't know if it's just an excuse but I think I might like someone else...maybe that's why I can't see myself with any of these people. Whatever the case it, I don't feel like disappointing him again....so soon. I don't even know on what basis we're going to the prom on. I really don't wanna be his date...it's not me and him. I know its a minor difference between him being my date and joining my group but it's less formal and it just makes all the difference to me...well, that is, until he confessed. I know I'll end up hurting him either way...better now then later but I can't help but wonder why things have to work this way. ^^;;; And his asking me and LIKING me just totally threw me off...it would've been the last thing I expected.

I hope I'm not sounding like some stupid girl who's just too picky (I don't think I have the right to be...and it's not about picking them intentionally...there has to be "feeling") or too childish. It's not that I'm scared of guys...I just don't like having to reject them...I'm so bad at it. I fall apart. But everyone goes through it and it'll be a learning experience. It'll happen some day...why not soon after I turn 18? LOL...afterall, I am an "adult".

// EDIT //
So he's texted me 3 times with the exact message...it's kinda creeping me out..just a little. One at 1:31...another at 2:32 and another at 4:30.