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Bu You Zi Zhu / Can't Help It

Vivian Hsu Ruo Xuan
Romanized and translated by Sherry (Sweet Dreamz) of Faithful 4ever

Eh
Eh
Ta jiu xiang tian qi
It is just like the weather
Qing shi ou zhen yu
Clear times paired with spells of rain
Hu leng hu re de ju li
Distance between sudden cold and sudden heat
Why
Why
Wo ming ming xiang xin
I had clearly believed
Ta de wen rou
His tendresse
Bu hui zhi gei wo er yi
Won't be given to me alone
Wo que hai shi bu xiang xin
Yet I still believe it
Rang zi ji shuai jin ta xin li
Allowing myself to fling myself into his heart

Why...?
Why...?
Don't wanna fall in love
Don't wanna fall in love
Fall in love
Fall in love
Why...?
Why...?
Do I fall in love?
Do I fall in love?
Ai qing zong shi bu you zi zhu
Love always can't be helped

Ai
Love
You shi hou ting liu
Sometimes stops
You shi hou lu guo
Sometimes passes by
You duo shao ren neng zhang kong
How many people can have control
And I
And I
Ta yi ge shen qing
One of his expressions
Yi ju baby
One word of "baby"
Wo you xian ru kuai le li
I again sink into happiness
Li zhi zhong shi zhan sheng bu liao ai qing
Sensibility is always unable to surmount love
Mei dao li ke xun
No principles to adhere to

Why...?
Why...?
Don't wanna fall in love
Don't wanna fall in love
Fall in love
Fall in love
Why...?
Why...?
Do I fall in love?
Do I fall in love?
Bu shi he zai yi qi
Not suited to be together

Ming tian zen yang bu bi cai
Why should we not make guesses about tomorrow?
Mei ren dong wei lai
No one knows the future
Die dao le jiu zi pa qi lai
If you stumble then pick yourself back up
Yong gan de qu ai
Love with courage
Why...?
Why...?
Why...? (Why do I fall)
Why...? (Why do I fall)
Why...?
Why...?
Why...?
Why...?

Why...?
Why...?
Don't wanna fall in love
Don't wanna fall in love
Don't wanna fall for you
Don't wanna fall for you
Why...?
Why...?
Do I fall in love?
Do I fall in love?
Bu shi he zai yi qi
Not suited to be together

I love this song. Vivian's voice sounds so sweet. Good lyrics too, written by Vivian herself. She only wrote lyrics to this one song in her new album because she feels its easier to write songs for other people.

Anyway, I think Friday, May 13, 2005 will be a day I never forget. It was a both a day of sadness and happiness...a perfect reflection of life...

Of course, Friday the 13th is suppose to be an unlucky day but I've always believed its just superstition and people just like to think that because it's Friday the 13th, whatever goes wrong must be attributed to that fact. Truth is, stuff goes wrong everyday. I don't believe that it's Friday the 13th that took him away, but my grandpa passed away in the morning.

I tried not to cry because I know that death was a good thing for him and I also know that though he will never been physically with us again, I know that he will never leave us. He will be watching us as we walk down our paths. Death is not the end, it is a new beginning. As much as it hurts, I knew he would have to leave our world soon. Now, he is finally reunited with my grandma, who he missed so dearly after she passed away 2 years ago. After her death, he hallucinated, convinced she was still around and his health failed. He was strong though. Over 90 and still quite independent. I'm happy knowing that he has finally been set free...free of pain and suffering. He will no longer have to shed tears and that's what comforts me. I couldn't bare to see him lying in bed hopelessly for two months, only able to cry. I can almost feel his agony but I know that I will never truly understand how he felt. What I regret most if not being able to see him before he passed away and not spending more time with him. My memories with him are few but he has left me with things that will follow me wherever I go...my heritage and my Chinese name. Grandpa, I will miss you, you will always be in my heart, and may you rest in peace.

Life is ironic...and ironically enough, May 13th was also the day of my prom. It seem to all come crashing down on me. I didn't think I could enjoy it anymore. Though I knew death was a good thing for him, it was hard to accept. I felt guilty for going to prom and having fun. I felt like I should be mourning, not smiling but then I also realized that he would not want to see me that way. He would want to see me smile. In the chaos of preparing for prom, I momentailry blocked out everything.

The first few hours of prom was horrible. As I sat there with my date and my friend, I felt miserable...time crawled and I wanted to go home...go home to my room and just sit there and cry my heart out. It didn't help that I was not comfortable with my date...that things were so awkward. My friend kept kicking me, telling me to talk to him but making conversation was so difficult and I was really too tired for it all. There seemed to be a knot in my chest as though I could barely breathe. I didn't eat much but I didn't feel hungry at all.

I was a horrible date. I know my date really likes me but I simply can't return those feelings and with my grandpa passing away, I just could bring myself to try. Apparently, while I was eating, he spent the whole time staring at me, bug-eyed. I was so caught up in my own confusion that I really didn't even notice it.

But finally, when I went out to the dance floor and began dancing during the second half of the night, I felt better, as if it was a release for my confusion. I didn't care that I might look ridiculous. I danced with my date and had a slow dance with him too. He had such a dreamy smile on his face and it just made me feel terrible. I'm sure that that dance was the highlight of his night and everything else was miserable. I didn't dance with him again...not even the last dance. That was rude, I know. My feet were killing me...I was exhausted...and I just didn't want to dance with him again. He was basically with me the entire night and I wanted a break. Though I must admit that it was kinda funny watching him dance...he can't really dance but who am I to talk about it...neither can I.

But I basically spent the rest of the night on the dance floor and had a blast. I made sure my heels weren't too big so I danced with my shoes on the whole time. The floor was much too gross to go bare feet. I have learned that I should either bring a comfortable change of shoes or at least socks. I can't say that prom was the most amazing night in my life but I can say that overall, I had a good time and I'm happy that I decided to go.

As for before prom, that was hectic. Amy ended up doing my hair, which surprised everyone since this sister of mine is more like a tomboy. Haha..my cousin did my makeup, whiich was nice but very dramatic. I would've liked something more natural but it was nice of her to offer to I didn't wanna be too picky. I looked much like a doll. ^^;; It was also rushed...she started putting on my makeup a few minutes before I had to leave so it wasn't perfect but it was good enough. However, everytime I caught a glimpse of myself, I was kinda taken back. WHOA...That's me?!

She had also experimented with my hair but I didn't really like it. She inverted a tiara on my head and then made a bun with three braids hanging out from the center. It was somewhat odd but my grandma liked it better than Amy's. I, on the other hand, preferred Amy's over my cousin's, though my cousin did a good job, I just wasn't feeling it. Amy had taken a picture of my hair but she deleted it so no picture of the back.

Anyway, here are some of the pictures my dad took before prom with the digital camera. I have some other pictures in a disposable but I only used half of it. I left my camera at the table for most of the night. Stupid me! I wasn't able to get pictures of everyone. I really wish I could've capture more memories. But you will probably wonder why there is not a single guy in the pictures, yet I had a date. Well, we split up and arrived separately. Long story.

































I was seeing white spots everywhere after those pictures at my friend's friend's house. All the parents were spread out trying to take pictures and I didn't know where to look but I tried to look into my dad's camera as much as possible and I tried to guess at who was gonna snap the pictures and look their way. ^^;;

So yeah, I was disappointed in some things at prom but like I said, it was fun. I didn't get to bed until around 2 in the morning. Getting my mascara off was annoying...I forgot to grab the eye make up remover from my mom's bathroom before I left. Anyway, I was suppose to have slept over my friend's house but since my grandpa passed away, we're not suppose to go to other people's houses. We were going to go to Dorney Park but my other friend never called me this morning so she either ditched me or didn't go. Either way, she didn't call me but that's ok...got more sleep!

And in case you guys complain you didn't get to see my face clearly, here's a picture (there's a reflection of the glitter on my eyelid):