Am I Ok? « Forever lost...in a dream...

Monday, May 16, 2005

Am I Ok?

Currently reading: Nothing
Currently listening: Nothing
Currently eating: Nothing

An Hao / Secret Signal
Jay Chou Jie Lun
Romanized and translated by Sherry (Sweet Dreamz)

Wo xiang yao de
What I want
Xiang zuo de
Wanna do
Ni bi shei dou liao
You know better than anyone else
Ni xiang shuo de
What you wanna say
Xiang gei de
Wanna give
Wo quan dou zhi dao
I know it all
Wei jie lai dian
Not yet received your call
Mei liu yan
No voice messages
Yi ding shi ni gu dan de xiang nian
Must be your lonely thoughts
Ren he ren dou
That no one
Cai bu dao
Can guess
Zhe shi wo men de an hao
This is our secret signal

Ta men cai
They guess
Sui bian cai
Guess as they please
Bu zhong yao
It's unimportant
Lian shang bi ci de xun hao
Connecting each other's signals
Cai you ge yi kao
In order to have a reliance
You tai duo ren tai duo shi
There are too many people, too many things
Jia zai wo men zhi jian pao xiao
Roaring between the two of us
Za xun tai duo xun hao ruo
Too many mixed signals, reception is weak
Jiu lian feng chui dou yao gan rao
Even when the wind flows it interferes
Ke shi ni bu xiang
But you don't wanna
Yi zhi zou zai hei an di bu bao
Continuing walking in a dark underground path
Xiang chui feng
Wanna catch some air
Xiang zhi you
Wanna be free
Xiang you yi qi shou qian shou
Wanna be together hand in hand
Qu kan hai
To watch the ocean
Rao shi jie liu lang
Roam around the world

Wo hai pa ni xin sui mei ren bang ni ca yan lei
I'm afraid that when your heart breaks, no one will help wipe away your tears
Bie guan na shi fei
Regardless of these gossips
Zhi yao wo men gan jue dui
As long as our feeling is right
Wo hai pa ni xin sui mei ren bang ni ca yan lei
I'm afraid that when your heart breaks, no one will help wipe away your tears
Bie li kai shen bian
Must not leave my side
Yong you ni wo shi jie cai neng wan mei
Only with you can my world be perfect
Ni shuo ni xiang tao kai song shou
You say that you wanna escape, let go
Ai tai lei
Love is too tiresome
Ai de bu zi you
Loving without freedom
Yin wei wo gei de bu qi zui jian dan de cheng nuo
Because I am unable to give the most basic promise
Ni ting zhi shou xun hao
You stop receiving signals
Wo kai shi sou xun bu dao
I'm beginning to be unable to find it
Dao di you shei zhi dao
Is there anyone who knows
Shi ji dian zhong fang xiang
At what time, what direction
Ni cai hui shou dao an hao
Will you be able to receive the secret signal

I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know if I'm just handling it well, if I don't care enough, or if I'm attempting to escape from reality.

When my grandma had passed away, I was shocked but it didn't sink in for a few hours. When I saw my dad sitting there, staring off into nothing, it hurt and I realized what his biting words, "Grandma died," meant. I ran upstairs, hid in my room and cried. Though for the next few nights, I would cry, it never really hit me until the funeral, until her coffin was sealed for good. Then I broke down and realized it's all over. My grandmother was the first person to pass away that I knew. It hurt like hell.

But with my grandfather, it's different. We expected it and I know it's a good thing for him. I guess it's just another painful reminder that the world moves on and people do too.

Not only am I feeling guilty about having gone to prom despite learning of the news, I feel guilty for the fact that my he is not always on my mind...that every now and then, I'm not thinking about him. I feel like I should be...I don't think you could've guessed that I just lost a family member from the way that I carry myself. I go on with my life just as if nothing happened. I feel like I shouldn't be...

Today, in first period, which is my english class, we read a poem. A poem that the poet dedicated to his dying father. At first, I was alright...I was upset but hanging in there. However, my teacher kept talking about...getting quite loud about it too. The poem basically persuaded the poet's father not to go quietly but to fight it. My teacher feels that's not necessarily true for people who are 99 and sick, you should "just let them go!!" Well, that definitely made me think about my grandfather again, so I sat there in class, struggling to hold my tears back but it didn't quite work out. She spent half the class on the poem and as soon as she was done, I asked to be excused to the bathroom. She sent a girl from class to check on me, which kinda made me stop crying. I think that if she hadn't come, I would've stayed there for quite awhile. So my teacher made me stay after class to find out what was wrong and got me all worked up again.

For the rest of the day, I was pretty much ok, just extremely tired. A friend commented that I seemed to be handling it well, that you wouldn't never guessed. I don't know...am I?...Am I handling it well or do I just not care enough?

Well, I would really like to thank everyone for their concern. I really appreciate it. ^_^ *hugs* Love you guys.

Posted at 03:43 pm by Sweet Dreamz


	xiaoxing May 22, 2005 01:06 AM PDT hey Sherry..i wish i could really word what i want to say properly. i guess, u may have read Kring's story, letter's to tin man...and i recall, not too long ago, ren called me and said her grandpa's health wasn't so great, and she was so upset..and she said to me..'u've faced so much death before fi, but..me, i never...ever...' for a moment, it really hurt..to hear that. like, it wasn't my choice to face it..or to come across it, but it was the truth. after i became a Christian, i realized that it is true...if u believe there is Heaven, or some kind of afterlife, and you believe that God will take care of the person u know who had physically left...then u will meet some kind of peace. i think..at this moment, the only offer i can give u is something i heard from someone very close to me...something someone said to me when i lost tin man.. "I know you wish you could see him again, right now. Many times down the road, u'll wish and wish to see him. But it may be many many years before u actually leave this life to step into Heaven. No one knows how time works in Heaven. You might worry that he's lost, he's lonely. but perhaps, once he stepped into there and looked around, the next moment, he'll turn to one side and see his parents, and the very next one, he'll turn to his other side, and he'll be holding your hand." a lot of time may pass in our physical life, but really, no one knows how time works. when God created the world in 7 Days, each of his days were many many years on Earth. In one of those days, he had dinosaurs. think how long they lasted before extinction... it's always tough to lose someone, and i dunno if i managed to comfort u at all...but as hard as it is, try and try to keep smiling, because that is what they would want. ...not that they would know, because the next second, and the next, and the next, in Heaven, you'll be reunited and then you'll have the rest of eternity to recount enything and everything together... just remember to keep smiling...so you will have plenty of happy memories and smiles to tell your loved ones in Heaven when you reach them many years down the road, and just the next moment for them.


	.:: Stacey ::. May 21, 2005 03:19 AM PDT I don't think there's really a category for "handling it well" and "not handling it well". People show emotions of different degrees, people think and feel differently, and situations differ, so in my opinion, it is impossible to say whether you are handling it well or not. Like you said, your grandma's death came as a sudden shock, while you all knew that your grandfather would be leaving sometime. It was better for him because he would rest in peace. Of course, it doesn't mean people should be happy if death ends someone's pain. Deaths are deaths, they always hurt. I think it'll just take you awhile for the emotions of sadness and loss that you are feeling to numb or fade. But they'll never disappear, and neither will your memories of him. And that's normal. But don't feel guilty that you're not thinking about your grandpa 24/7... that's just not natural. ;) I think what you are feeling isn't abnormal. These things often will cause a sadness and also a certain amount of guilt. But telling you how to feel won't change very much, so I hope you'll be able to sort out what you're feeling. Be open-minded. I hope you'll feel better. Love you!


	LGR May 17, 2005 04:24 PM PDT Hey Twinny. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I've never commented on ur blogs when you wrote about your sick grandfather simply because I did not know what to say and because I couldn't find the right words which would be of comfort to you. I'm not a person of great words when it comes to situations like this, so please forgive me for seeming like I wasn't there for you during the hard times you've had. I understand that it is a tough for you to deal with family loss, although I have yet to encounter something like this, but I can't imagine losing anyone close to me. It is ok to be sad and to grieve, but remember, no matter how sad you are, the world isn't going to stop turning just because you lost someone. It is acceptable that you are feeling depressed and confused, but don't let this interfere with your life. Life still lies ahead, and I'm pretty sure your grandpa wouldn't want you to be like this either. I don't know if my phrasing is coming out right, or whether or not if i'm giving you the wrong impression... >_< The fact that you had to deal with both the death of your grandfather and still had the strength to attend prom, that truly amazes me. It shows what a strong person you are. Though, you shouldn't feel guilty for having fun on a day when you should be greiving. Don't blame yourself for feeling as though you should be sad and that he should always be on your mind. Just because he isn't on your mind all the time doesn't mean you don't care for him. It doesn't mean that you aren't sad that he passed away. You grandfather wouldn't want you to harbor such feelings. As corny as this may sound, don't cry over the loss of someone, but instead, smile at the memories you shared. I know that my twinny is strong. Infact, a whole lot stronger than I am. If I were in your place, i woudln't have been able to have handled this situation as well as you did. Just know that I am always here if you need someone to talk to and I would lend you my "shoulder" to cry on. Be strong twinny, cuz I know you are and I have faith that you will find a way to work thins out. Jia You. Twinny Hwaiting!


	Trisha May 16, 2005 07:48 PM PDT Hiya Sherry. hugs I hope you're okay. It's okay, you can cry to let it all out, I understand what you're going through. I went through the same thing with mines. :) Being sad sometimes is okay, just as long as you move on and keep going with the reality, yeah? ^^;; And yes, you are handling it quite well! I cried a lot when I was in the same situation. Oh, and the prom pictures were awesome. You look totally pretty Sherry! Your gown is gorgeous. =P Seems like you had lots of fun! ^^;

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